Yesterday for example I was harassing myself on the way to work about the decisions I have made over the last 12months and where they have led me, much as I am angry at my old boss, the real person I blame for all of it is me. I know I should have handled the whole thing better right from the start. So here I am getting all testy with me and then I get to work and loads aren’t done and people have just bailed out on their roster and my mind goes to ‘well if you were a good leader they wouldn’t be pulling stunts like this’, obviously they have let you down because you have let them down. Nothing quite like self criticism.
Never mind my recent recognition from my team for how much I have supported them all since getting there. The brain doesn’t use that logic when it isn’t appropriate for the situation.
Then we go into training for a new rostering system and negativity oozes from the pores of the leadership team, now I am not the leader I am the right hand but this is obviously my fault for. It fully engaging them all including our line manager and having them all really behind this new system. I sit there watching them and my mind is trying to work through what I could have done better, how can I bring them on the journey, why didn’t I see this coming and do something about it. I’ve failed them and our business by having a team that has responded so poorly.
Let’s not talk about all the tasks I’m still not doing that I should be my brain registers quite a few times a day just how poor I am at my actual job but no one else, not even the team leader has noticed, because I am so busy helping them with theirs, but I know it. I know I’m letting them down everyday, that I haven’t learnt half of the things I need to do and I’m not doing the other half. My mind doesn’t miss an opportunity to let me know how poor that effort is.
And that’s just one day 😊